These past few months have been cutting at me like quick slices from a knife, or millions of paper cuts. To find out that my reality was a lie has been so painful to accept. The reality is that I ignorantly believed I was placing God first in my life and in all of my decisions, when in actuality I was putting myself first. I was putting my wants before the needs God has put His ‘stamp’ of approval on.
That is so troubling to me.
It is so painful.
I’m not sure what lesson I am supposed to learn exactly. Am I supposed to acknowledge one or all parts that I see presently? Is there more? How will this help me be a better child, steward, and ambassador to God? What is this experience preparing me for?
I feel like a fool; like a naive child who should have known better, who should have paid attention to the warning signs but did not. Am I too nice, too loving, too generous, too giving of my heart?
Jesus said to keep our eyes and minds always alert so that we can see when light as well as darkness is approaching. I trusted that I was walking next to light— and now I wonder if I’m wrong— or if darkness is seeping its way in to try to overshadow this light I trusted; or trying to cast a shadow over my light.
It may not be pain-free initially, but freedom from shackles hurts at first until you’ve been free for some time. I am waiting to be free. I am waiting for the lesson to be realized so that I can stop repeating this. I know this is a repeated lesson because the feelings are the same. The messages in my dreams are the same. The messages that come to me throughout the day are the same. I must see and know the truth in total— so that I can move forward on the path God has for me. I cannot be concerned with the temporal but the eternal. I cannot be consumed with what feels good, but what is of God— and nothing that is of God would ever make me feel the way that I do.
I want to quickly thank my mentors and family members that have been a rock and source of support and love, especially these past several weeks. I also want to thank my guardian angels. I can’t see them, I don’t think— but I definitely feel their presence.
God bless all of you.